Like. I’m not the way I seem here.
I tip 25% minimum, everywhere, no exceptions.
I put the shopping carts back.
I park in the lines.
I use my turn signal.
I recycle and I don’t litter.
I listen to others talk endlessly about themselves without trying to turn it back to me.
I despise being around children, but I’m friendly to them, and would protect them fiercely if anyone tried to hurt them.
I’m kind to cashiers and servers.
I’m kind to everyone, even those who utterly conflict with my values.
I’ve never sent someone a hateful anonymous message. I’ve never threatened anyone.
My coworkers describe me as kind and helpful.
I pick up worms and other bugs on leaves and help them to the grass so they don’t burn to death on the concrete.
I’m a good partner, a good daughter, and I donate to multiple charities throughout the year.
I don’t yell, I don’t fight dirty, I’ve never thrown a punch, I don’t even think I’ve ever called anyone a name to their face.
I smile whenever I can (usually fake), because who knows if the other person’s day might be worse?
The point of this isn’t to imply I’m a saint; far from it. I’ve got more than my share of faults; especially in my younger years I’ve been a bad friend and a bad ex and a very flawed partner. But I’m not a fucking bitch who goes around yelling and pitching fits because I hate the world. All that is internalized. Yet what must I look like to those on the outside, seeing me only through this blog? I must look like I can’t control my temper, like I’ve never been nice to anyone because of my constant judgment.
The problem with the Internet is that we see people exactly as they are: from one exceptionally narrow angle – and no more.
What we see of them is real, but we don’t see all of them. Not even most. We see a sliver – the sliver they’re willing to show, the sliver that escapes the safety of their keyboard.
Imagine if we had all met our partners on the worst day of their lives, or at their general worst, in rotten moods and angry at the world. Would we have ever given them a second look, a word, a date?
What we see online – or even in a real-life moment – is the tiniest fraction of that person. Let us not forget that each of us is a human being. Each of us has a face, a beating heart, a psyche full of pain and insecurities and fears. An imperfect body. Dreams. Desires.
I’m not implying anything ridiculous like “abusers deserve another chance!” – or, more relevant, that trans cultists deserve our acceptance and support because they’re just so super self-hating and sad – but when it comes to non-abusive human behavior… perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to judge.
The moment we forget that the person on the other end of the screen is human, is the moment we lose our own humanity.
Yet still, even knowing that, dealing with the current culture of misogyny that I’ve chosen to engage in, makes doing this close to impossible. I recognize fully well that trans cultists are deeply mentally disturbed, have likely been abused in some way, are suffering from intense self-hatred, low self-esteem, horrible self image, and extreme cases of narcissism, all projected onto non-submissive women – all behaviors and mindsets in desperate need of extensive psychotherapeutic treatment. I recognize this. And I do genuinely feel for them. But, perhaps because I am only human myself, I also feel an intense, burning hatred for them because of their abusive treatment of women, their outrageous sense of entitlement, and their utterly irrational, brainwashing lunacy. I think, honestly, what it is, is the fact that they have managed (at least for now) to sway so many liberal sheep to their monumentally horrible ideology – and this only serves to remind me of how stupid and ordinary and pathetic nearly all of humanity is. It reminds me that I am stuck here with these idiots who represent my species – and this only amplifies my lifelong struggle of trying to patiently exist alongside a world full of fucking morons – and that these morons are the ones making policy, dictating the rules for my life. These are the ones in charge of my freedom, my opportunities, and ultimately, my quality of life.
And the idea of this is so intensely angering that I can barely cope.
In a way, it’s even worse to think about carnists – and theists. Carnists are around 99% of the world’s population. They have all the power. They represent humanity. They control our future. Their behavior is considered 100% normal and acceptable in human society. While I have to sit here, silently, knowing how horribly, violently wrong they are – knowing most of them don’t even care.
The world is run by power-hungry monsters and ignorant imbeciles (these two do not often preclude one another). It’s a fact. And we have no control. And that is the biggest source of my anxiety.
How do we do it? How do we keep going, day after day, knowing the truth about our world? Knowing how fucking stupid everyone is, and how unlikely it is that we’ll ever see a significant change?
Is it enough to breathe in, breathe out, accept, repeat?
Is it?