There are moments when I almost feel connected to other human beings, right up until the moment is over and I go right back to feeling like me, and then it’s worse because there was a break in feeling alone, and then I have to start it up again.

Why can’t it be enough to have two people who love me, a job that isn’t terrible, good health, a nice house? The world says that should be enough. It’s supposed to be enough. Why can I only focus on what’s wrong everywhere, inside and out? What’s wrong with my fucking brain? Why is it always pitted against me?

How can you spend every day fearing the end and longing for it at the same time

I’ll probably never get published and even if I did, what would it be for? Who am I writing for? A world full of people who don’t matter to me in the slightest? And already I’m imagining how awful it could be if I had to face bad reviews or somehow got slightly famous and all the skeletons came out of my closet like always happens when there’s a spotlight on you. I’d die.

I should stick to online anonymity like I always have and just write for myself, like I always have. Fuck the world, they don’t matter.

Why can’t I just stop hurting? Why can’t I accept and let go? Why can’t I be happy? Why is everything wrong? Why does everything have to change and never in good ways?

How do you cope with a world that is, honestly, mostly bad?

As a kid you assume the world is generally good with some anomalous bad stuff in it, because otherwise what would be the point of being alive, right?

Then you grow up and realize, no, it’s actually bad with some anomalous good stuff. Like love, cake, and kittens. But the gist of the world, for every species, runs on exploitation, inequality, oppression, greed, competition, selfishness, pain, fear, and the constant struggle just to survive.

Even things you love, like Disney, are rooted in capitalism and commercialism. Every purchase we make is making some filthy rich executive richer, while the employees at the bottom make pennies.

In every corner of the globe, women are oppressed to some degree or another. In every culture, animals are tortured and murdered for taste buds. Our beautiful planet is being destroyed by greed.

How do I just… brush that off? How can I find enough reason to get up every day and keep participating in it?

I’ve tried. I’ve tried to make connections within various communities, all with the end result of feeling isolated and disappointed… something always feeling not right. I don’t think I’m striving for perfection, but I still haven’t found a place I feel comfortable. I’m not vegan enough to fit in with the ~Vegans~. I no longer qualify as gay enough to belong with the gays, and certainly not bi enough to feel any connection with typical “bi” people who are all but shunned in the LGB world. I guess fitting in shouldn’t matter to me but we’re social creatures and it’s human nature, it’s a need and it matters.

How do I face this? How much more of my life will be spent in anger and fear and longing?

Even just a couple years ago I still felt… something. Something kept me going. It felt like there was something to hold onto that made being alive worth it.

Every day it just fades a little more. Every day I feel more disconnected from every other person alive. They tell me I “belong” at home but two people in the whole world isn’t enough to make someone feel like they belong. Two people who will never understand, anyway. Two people who get to live their authentic lives and be their authentic selves while I’m just this false, pathetic husk with 35 years of mistakes and shortcomings and laziness and depression.